where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
