i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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