We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
