Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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