I think my fart just growled at me.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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