I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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