I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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