Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
