and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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