thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
