So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
