You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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