once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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