hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
