I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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