ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
