According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
