guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
