I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
