I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
