Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
