She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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