Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
