I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
