Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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