When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
