we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
