The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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