I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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