Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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