it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
