Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
