We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A+ Viking dick
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
