You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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