we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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