Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She's not a foreskin expert like you
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So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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