If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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