I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
