I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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