Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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