I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
