eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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