Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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