Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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