I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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