Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Let's get the cat blown out
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
