I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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