Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
