If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
