i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
