i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
