My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
