Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
