I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
