I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
