I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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