Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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